One thing I have never been good at is asking for and accepting help. I have been let down or judged so much that I have put on a hard outer shell and a determination to not need anyone. If I can't do it on my own then I don't need it in my life. I don't know when exactly this developed but it has. It is hard to live in community and openness when you have walls protecting you from disappointment.
God has blessed me with incredible friends who want to help and want to serve me, especially in this season. After my first surgery I was still very much in that independent, I can take care of myself mode.
This time around when friends offered to help I jumped at the opportunity. I am just so tired the idea of planning and prepping a meal is overwhelming. Lil man and I can't live on cereal and prepped food products. I love real food. Fresh food. My precious friend Joanna offered to bring me a couple meals and whatever groceries I needed. I ran out of coffee creamer. She brought me some. And fresh fruits and veggies. And that was on top of homemade chili and a rotisserie chicken. I've never bought a rotisserie chicken and am looking forward to trying it. She also brought me an adorable bag and a coffee mug that lists all the things cancer can't take from me.
And when Chris brought lil man back to me, he took him yesterday so I could rest, he brought me a Papa Murphy's gluten free pizza. Yummy.
And my friend Kristen is coming over tomorrow to drop off food she's made as well. I am so abundantly blessed.
I had prayed a long time ago for real friends to live life with, friends who breathe life into each other. And He answered that prayer in spades. He put me in community with a great group of women who are life givers. Even though we have all moved to different times and stages of our lives, we stay in touch, not as much as we should but when we need each other we're there.
I am learning to accept help and to ask for it. "Yes, please" is my favorite newest expression. I don't need much but it's those who step in and meet the little needs that fill my heart so much.
My bestie set up a go fund me account for me to help with the medical expenses because 2 surgeries is crazy expensive and she knows thinking about being back in debt overwhelms me to the point of tears and panic attacks. And it fills my heart that people respond. It is truly incredible to have people step in to help me.
It seems like every direction I turn I am being invited to trust Jesus more and to trust people more. I am so very blessed beyond my wildest dreams. It is so weird to me that I am walking through the challenge of breast cancer but I am finding an abundance of blessing and much to smile about and I am joy filled, not always happy but I have an unshakable joy.
#Godisgood #abundantlove #breastcancersucks #Godprovides #Godlovesme
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Too Fast
Today was one of those days where my head is just spinning and I don't know what to think or do.
Today I got the call from the geneticist with the results. I'm negative for the BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 gene which is a marker for the more invasive types of breast cancer. Negative is VERY VERY good. This made my great mood even better.
Today was also the day I got to meet with my surgeon for post op. As I was getting ready to check in my phone ring and I stopped to answer it. I recognized the number as one of the Kaiser facilities. Is it a bad thing when you can look at the area code and prefix of the number calling and know it's a dr's office? Anyways, the wonderful lady on the other end of the line says she wants to talk to me about my pre check-in for tomorrows procedure. I say, you mean for my son, he's got an appt tomorrow with dermatology. She says, "No. You're procedure with Dr Khaw." I explained that my appt with Dr Khaw was today and I was just walking in so I would discuss it with her momentarily.
I get checked in and called back and the nurse and I are talking and she asks how I'm doing and I told her about the phone call and she says "Oh yeah, you weren't supposed to find out yet."
The dr comes in and is all flustered because she and I hadn't had a chance to talk and I was already getting contacted. She had a surgical cancellation tomorrow and she booked me just in case. She explained the margin taken out the first time and what they like to have as margin and why. Yes please take a little more out and definitely recut the same place before it heals any further.
It didn't really hit me until about an hour after I got home and then it was like I got hit with a ton of bricks. It's tomorrow and I haven't had time to make anything ahead or clean the house. Laundry needs doing. Etc.
Ugh.
Thank God that He is in control and He will take care of me.
Today I got the call from the geneticist with the results. I'm negative for the BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 gene which is a marker for the more invasive types of breast cancer. Negative is VERY VERY good. This made my great mood even better.
Today was also the day I got to meet with my surgeon for post op. As I was getting ready to check in my phone ring and I stopped to answer it. I recognized the number as one of the Kaiser facilities. Is it a bad thing when you can look at the area code and prefix of the number calling and know it's a dr's office? Anyways, the wonderful lady on the other end of the line says she wants to talk to me about my pre check-in for tomorrows procedure. I say, you mean for my son, he's got an appt tomorrow with dermatology. She says, "No. You're procedure with Dr Khaw." I explained that my appt with Dr Khaw was today and I was just walking in so I would discuss it with her momentarily.
I get checked in and called back and the nurse and I are talking and she asks how I'm doing and I told her about the phone call and she says "Oh yeah, you weren't supposed to find out yet."
The dr comes in and is all flustered because she and I hadn't had a chance to talk and I was already getting contacted. She had a surgical cancellation tomorrow and she booked me just in case. She explained the margin taken out the first time and what they like to have as margin and why. Yes please take a little more out and definitely recut the same place before it heals any further.
It didn't really hit me until about an hour after I got home and then it was like I got hit with a ton of bricks. It's tomorrow and I haven't had time to make anything ahead or clean the house. Laundry needs doing. Etc.
Ugh.
Thank God that He is in control and He will take care of me.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Spiraling emotions
The way I'm up in my head you would think I got a full mastectomy instead of just having a lump removed.
I feel like part of me is missing and I am less because of it.
I already had issues feeling like I measured up but now it's more. I don't know how to explain it. It's making me very emotional and questioning things.
Is this normal? Ugh!
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Emotional
Well, here it is 2 days post surgery. I am very very emotional and can't put words to it. This frustrates me.
I'm laying on my bed with tears streaming down my face but I can't say why exactly.
I don't like this at all. Pfft.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Remembering to be thankful
Today has been a struggle for me, so this is going to sound like a lot of whining. If it does, go ahead and skip to the end. I completely understand. Much of this is for me to process and to share with those who want to ride along in my head.
I woke up emotional and had just been tied up in knots all day. "What if's" and "to do lists" and "how do I" and "who will" thoughts plagued at me. They buzzed in from all sides like a swarm of knats around a sweet peach ripening on the counter.
I started my day by finding a big (well it feels big to me) lump just under my incision from the biopsy. Okay, call my nurse navigator to see who to talk to about that. Last thing I need is an infection to delay surgery. She and I finally talk after a couple failed attempts. She gets me to the surgical advice nurse who decides I need to be seen by the back up surgeon as mine was out today. So we get that all set up for about 2 hrs after my genetics appt.
Work was a mess. No one wanted to show up for their scheduled appts so we were sitting around waiting. We had them all scheduled nice and neat and if everyone would have played nice people could have gone home early and enjoyed the nice day. Or if they would have scheduled when they actually got there then the guys would have been able to come in later and sleep in. It's no fun sitting around looking for something to do.
The wonderful thing was it was a nice day. I got to my genetics appt with time to spare (which if you know me, is a real struggle, but I am really really trying to do better and be more respectful of other peoples time) which was a good thing because my instructions didn't have where on campus they were located and I went to the main building and it was across the street in another building. I walked over there, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and pretty blue skies and still arrived with plenty of time to spare.
They got me in early and they were all so nice. We decided based on family history to proceed with genetic testing. The only question was which genetic testing? BRCA-1 and BRCA-2? That plus 5 others or the whole gamut of 17 panels, many of which are still open for interpretation so can cause more stress than answers. I don't really need to know if I have a goofy gene that may or may not cause problems in obscure areas of my body. We already know I'm goofy and probably have genes to match so why stress over obscure stuff that is not very interpretable yet. So I chose the first option.
From there I went to go in the direction I needed to be for my next appt and while driving over they call to tell me the dr is stuck in surgery so I will need to wait an hour from the initial appt. Okay. I find a mall (this is another one of those uncharacteristic things as I don't like the mall) and they have a craft store (I do like craft stores) and a Powell's Bookstore ( And I love bookstores!). I walked around enough I accidentally wore myself out.
I had seen a cute little Hawaiian restaurant on my way in so I back tracked and had a dose of comfort food. Best mac salad. Oh YUM!!! That right there made the trip across the world (well across town) worthwhile.
I got to the hospital and was early so I fell asleep in the car. Boy did I need that!! Nice little restfulness in the middle of the day. I did wake up enough during the 20 minutes to realize I was sleeping in the car with the windows open and my purse open on the passenger seat. I rolled up the windows and went back to dream land. I didn't know how badly I needed that rest but when I woke up I was upbeat and refreshed again.
I got to my appt with the surgeon a few minutes early only to have them come out and tell me he was running late and it would be another 30 minutes or so. The nurse didn't like it when I mentioned it would have been nice to know before my appt so I could have continued napping. Yes, I think I had reached my patience level. I wasn't rude just said it would have been nice.
All is good though. The surgeon saw me and it is not an infection which is what I had been afraid of but instead a blood clot. It should dissolve and be gone in a few weeks.
The surgery scheduler came in and gave me a big hug because she once again had to change my appt from Tuesday back to the original time on Thursday. She was so apologetic. She understands that the back and forth is a stressor and she felt so badly.
I have had the time to reflect on my day, as you can see with the long rambling, and I know that God is good. He is faithful. He is in control. And best of all, He has surrounded me with some pretty amazing people who love me and want to be His hands extended to me. That is not something I'm used to. I am not used to receiving. I don't do it well. But I am learning. I am learning a lot through this process and it has only been a couple weeks. I can't imagine all the learning I have yet to come.
Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to pity party. Sometimes I want to scream. But in those times I remember I am held. I am loved. I am protected. I have nothing to fear. My God is so good to me and I am thankful.
I woke up emotional and had just been tied up in knots all day. "What if's" and "to do lists" and "how do I" and "who will" thoughts plagued at me. They buzzed in from all sides like a swarm of knats around a sweet peach ripening on the counter.
I started my day by finding a big (well it feels big to me) lump just under my incision from the biopsy. Okay, call my nurse navigator to see who to talk to about that. Last thing I need is an infection to delay surgery. She and I finally talk after a couple failed attempts. She gets me to the surgical advice nurse who decides I need to be seen by the back up surgeon as mine was out today. So we get that all set up for about 2 hrs after my genetics appt.
Work was a mess. No one wanted to show up for their scheduled appts so we were sitting around waiting. We had them all scheduled nice and neat and if everyone would have played nice people could have gone home early and enjoyed the nice day. Or if they would have scheduled when they actually got there then the guys would have been able to come in later and sleep in. It's no fun sitting around looking for something to do.
The wonderful thing was it was a nice day. I got to my genetics appt with time to spare (which if you know me, is a real struggle, but I am really really trying to do better and be more respectful of other peoples time) which was a good thing because my instructions didn't have where on campus they were located and I went to the main building and it was across the street in another building. I walked over there, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and pretty blue skies and still arrived with plenty of time to spare.
They got me in early and they were all so nice. We decided based on family history to proceed with genetic testing. The only question was which genetic testing? BRCA-1 and BRCA-2? That plus 5 others or the whole gamut of 17 panels, many of which are still open for interpretation so can cause more stress than answers. I don't really need to know if I have a goofy gene that may or may not cause problems in obscure areas of my body. We already know I'm goofy and probably have genes to match so why stress over obscure stuff that is not very interpretable yet. So I chose the first option.
From there I went to go in the direction I needed to be for my next appt and while driving over they call to tell me the dr is stuck in surgery so I will need to wait an hour from the initial appt. Okay. I find a mall (this is another one of those uncharacteristic things as I don't like the mall) and they have a craft store (I do like craft stores) and a Powell's Bookstore ( And I love bookstores!). I walked around enough I accidentally wore myself out.
I had seen a cute little Hawaiian restaurant on my way in so I back tracked and had a dose of comfort food. Best mac salad. Oh YUM!!! That right there made the trip across the world (well across town) worthwhile.
I got to the hospital and was early so I fell asleep in the car. Boy did I need that!! Nice little restfulness in the middle of the day. I did wake up enough during the 20 minutes to realize I was sleeping in the car with the windows open and my purse open on the passenger seat. I rolled up the windows and went back to dream land. I didn't know how badly I needed that rest but when I woke up I was upbeat and refreshed again.
I got to my appt with the surgeon a few minutes early only to have them come out and tell me he was running late and it would be another 30 minutes or so. The nurse didn't like it when I mentioned it would have been nice to know before my appt so I could have continued napping. Yes, I think I had reached my patience level. I wasn't rude just said it would have been nice.
All is good though. The surgeon saw me and it is not an infection which is what I had been afraid of but instead a blood clot. It should dissolve and be gone in a few weeks.
The surgery scheduler came in and gave me a big hug because she once again had to change my appt from Tuesday back to the original time on Thursday. She was so apologetic. She understands that the back and forth is a stressor and she felt so badly.
I have had the time to reflect on my day, as you can see with the long rambling, and I know that God is good. He is faithful. He is in control. And best of all, He has surrounded me with some pretty amazing people who love me and want to be His hands extended to me. That is not something I'm used to. I am not used to receiving. I don't do it well. But I am learning. I am learning a lot through this process and it has only been a couple weeks. I can't imagine all the learning I have yet to come.
Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to pity party. Sometimes I want to scream. But in those times I remember I am held. I am loved. I am protected. I have nothing to fear. My God is so good to me and I am thankful.
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