Today has been a struggle for me, so this is going to sound like a lot of whining. If it does, go ahead and skip to the end. I completely understand. Much of this is for me to process and to share with those who want to ride along in my head.
I woke up emotional and had just been tied up in knots all day. "What if's" and "to do lists" and "how do I" and "who will" thoughts plagued at me. They buzzed in from all sides like a swarm of knats around a sweet peach ripening on the counter.
I started my day by finding a big (well it feels big to me) lump just under my incision from the biopsy. Okay, call my nurse navigator to see who to talk to about that. Last thing I need is an infection to delay surgery. She and I finally talk after a couple failed attempts. She gets me to the surgical advice nurse who decides I need to be seen by the back up surgeon as mine was out today. So we get that all set up for about 2 hrs after my genetics appt.
Work was a mess. No one wanted to show up for their scheduled appts so we were sitting around waiting. We had them all scheduled nice and neat and if everyone would have played nice people could have gone home early and enjoyed the nice day. Or if they would have scheduled when they actually got there then the guys would have been able to come in later and sleep in. It's no fun sitting around looking for something to do.
The wonderful thing was it was a nice day. I got to my genetics appt with time to spare (which if you know me, is a real struggle, but I am really really trying to do better and be more respectful of other peoples time) which was a good thing because my instructions didn't have where on campus they were located and I went to the main building and it was across the street in another building. I walked over there, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and pretty blue skies and still arrived with plenty of time to spare.
They got me in early and they were all so nice. We decided based on family history to proceed with genetic testing. The only question was which genetic testing? BRCA-1 and BRCA-2? That plus 5 others or the whole gamut of 17 panels, many of which are still open for interpretation so can cause more stress than answers. I don't really need to know if I have a goofy gene that may or may not cause problems in obscure areas of my body. We already know I'm goofy and probably have genes to match so why stress over obscure stuff that is not very interpretable yet. So I chose the first option.
From there I went to go in the direction I needed to be for my next appt and while driving over they call to tell me the dr is stuck in surgery so I will need to wait an hour from the initial appt. Okay. I find a mall (this is another one of those uncharacteristic things as I don't like the mall) and they have a craft store (I do like craft stores) and a Powell's Bookstore ( And I love bookstores!). I walked around enough I accidentally wore myself out.
I had seen a cute little Hawaiian restaurant on my way in so I back tracked and had a dose of comfort food. Best mac salad. Oh YUM!!! That right there made the trip across the world (well across town) worthwhile.
I got to the hospital and was early so I fell asleep in the car. Boy did I need that!! Nice little restfulness in the middle of the day. I did wake up enough during the 20 minutes to realize I was sleeping in the car with the windows open and my purse open on the passenger seat. I rolled up the windows and went back to dream land. I didn't know how badly I needed that rest but when I woke up I was upbeat and refreshed again.
I got to my appt with the surgeon a few minutes early only to have them come out and tell me he was running late and it would be another 30 minutes or so. The nurse didn't like it when I mentioned it would have been nice to know before my appt so I could have continued napping. Yes, I think I had reached my patience level. I wasn't rude just said it would have been nice.
All is good though. The surgeon saw me and it is not an infection which is what I had been afraid of but instead a blood clot. It should dissolve and be gone in a few weeks.
The surgery scheduler came in and gave me a big hug because she once again had to change my appt from Tuesday back to the original time on Thursday. She was so apologetic. She understands that the back and forth is a stressor and she felt so badly.
I have had the time to reflect on my day, as you can see with the long rambling, and I know that God is good. He is faithful. He is in control. And best of all, He has surrounded me with some pretty amazing people who love me and want to be His hands extended to me. That is not something I'm used to. I am not used to receiving. I don't do it well. But I am learning. I am learning a lot through this process and it has only been a couple weeks. I can't imagine all the learning I have yet to come.
Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes I want to pity party. Sometimes I want to scream. But in those times I remember I am held. I am loved. I am protected. I have nothing to fear. My God is so good to me and I am thankful.
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