Randomocity

Hello lovely ones.


Today my brain is just bouncing from one thing to another.  I'm having a hard time tethering it to one place and letting it work there before bouncing to the next thing.  That makes productivity at the office something of a challenge.


I have 7 days until surgery so  I am trying to be my typical detailed task driven self, well, not how I am in my after hours life but in my work life.  I want order and productivity and things marked off my to do list.  I want to make sure that while I'm out no one has to get bogged down doing my job.  I want perfection.  I know things will change and shift while I'm out just like they do when I'm here but I want to have everything ordered so that when things shift and changes need to be made, no one has to recreate the wheel to make it happen.


But while I sit here at my desk (It's my lunch time as I share my rambled brain) all I can think about is all the stuff I need to do at home.  My want list.  My how do I take care of that list.  And the really fun, can I take on that project and get it done before it's time for surgery and recovery and not being able to do the big tasks.  Then there is the thought of chores and finances and paperwork and organizing the house and how best to get rid of the clothes I took out of my closet?  Sigh.  I overwhelm myself sometimes. 


This is how my brain works.  It's a scary place to people who aren't comfortable with a lot of randomocity and chaos.  I like making order of chaos but when I can't focus long enough to work through it I become overwhelmed. 


I want control and I don't have control of this.  So that contributes to my sense of being overwhelmed.  I have to completely trust and rely on God to take me through this.  I know He is good and He loves me and has good plans for me.  In my head I have no doubts.  In my head I know these truths to be completely true and that God is trustworthy beyond any shadow of doubt.  In my heart I think, what can I do?  What can I control in this equation? 


So I toil and struggle with trying to control my surroundings. 


Well maybe now that I have shared some of the weirdness from my brain , maybe now I can focus on the little bit I can control for this moment and worry about other things later. 


Enjoy the day.  Be kind and loving even in the face of rudeness because you never know who needs your smile and kind word.


Loves!

Ugh!

Ever have those days where it takes everything in you to keep a smile on your face and play nicely with others?  Yeah, I'm having one of those.  I am tired and cranky and my claws are wanting to come out a little more easily than normal.

I don't like days like this.  I like being able to smile easily and laugh joyfully.  Today is a fake it til you feel it day.  I'm still not feeling it.

Sorry this isn't all positive and upbeat but I am feeling more beat up (emotionally and physically) than anything.  I think the pain has gotten to me from yesterday's biopsy.  The other one didn't hurt this badly or widespread.  Maybe because they took more samples or went in deeper, not sure but yeah it hurts a lot today.  I feel extra stupid that I didn't stay ahead of the pain with Tylenol.  Grrrrr.

Anyways, I talked to my boss and my office backup and my HR director and they are all incredibly supportive.  The general consensus is that I am probably planning on too little time off after surgery.  I am hoping to have surgery Thursday and be back to work on Monday.  I don't have a physical job.
What are your thoughts?  Am I being a bit overzealous?

Well, I'm really tired today so I am going to keep this short and sign out.

Have a blessed rest of your day.

Hugs!

Breathing Made Easier

Today I met with my care team and let me just say, THEY ARE AMAZING!  I am so blessed to have had my bestest friend by my side, taking notes, making sure all my questions had answers.  And then my care nurse, Susan, is so sweet and caring and fun and so very on top of things.  She made sure I had everything I needed all day.

I met with Susan, and the surgeon and the radiologist and the oncologist.  I had another biopsy of a second region where there are some calcifications.  I scheduled surgery.  We are hoping and praying it is just a lumpectomy but will call it by ear after we have the pathology report on today's biopsy.

I have a plan and am feeling very positive.

As those closest to my know, I am very worried about piling up a huge debt as I worked very hard to pay off everything and live debt free.  They are looking for the best resources and options for me and putting a plan in place to help lessen that worry.

I can live with the results of today's meeting.  I am encouraged.

I can't begin to tell you how much better I feel having a plan in place and details of what has invaded my body.  It is stage 0 so this is good.  It is contained.  Very good.  Slow growing.  Even better.

Lots of appointments and information still to come but I am confident and comfortable that this is a very temporary road and I will be free of it in a very short time.

Once this is done, then I can turn this into the fun blog I started it with the thoughts of it being.

Talk to ya soon!

Just Breathe and Remember God's Got This

Today I started compiling the lists of questions for each of the specialists and a list of general questions I don't know who to ask.

All I can think of is all those I have loved dearly and watched suffer with horrible sores and burn marks from treatments.  I start to get scared.  Will I have to wear scarves and hats to cover disfigurations?

I know to many people this seems petty and vain.  I admit I can be.  I like taking care of my appearance.  Yes, there are some areas I need to do a lot better about taking care of but I am finally after a good number of years comfortable in my own skin and sometimes even feel pretty.

My wonderful cousin called me today.  I had put a message out to my cousins to help me come up with a family medical history to give to the genetics team.  She had lunch with her mom and said I needed comprehensive list.  Auntie had it.  The list is long and not pretty.  So many with cancer.  It's not fair to have so many cases in one family.

I just want answers.  I want to know the plan.  I want to have a start date and an end date.  I want a little bit of control.

Right now I have uncertainty and a little bit of fear of the unknown.  I don't like the unknown.  I don't like not having a say about what's happening in my body.  I eat right, I feel good.  I exercise I feel good.  I smile more.  I'm in a better mood. On the other hand, if I sit on the couch and watch tv and eat junk food I don't feel well and have bad skin and hair and am a grump and feel badly about how I've spent my time and the way I feel inside and out.  

I know what the final outcome will be.  I will be cancer free.  It's just the road to get that that is causing me to worry and stress and fear and I don't like that.

My God is bigger and stronger than cancer.  I have lessons to learn through this and so do other who are walking with me.  God is going to show up and show off and I can't wait to see how He uses this for His good.  I know He will.

I just need to keep breathing and looking up to the One who holds my life and knows the number of my days and the hairs on my head.

Sudden Change of Plans

Hi. I'm Joyce.

This past week my life took a major detour and so that is what I am going to write about.  It will be pretty much the subject of most all my blog posts for the foreseeable future.

You see my worst nightmare became reality this week.  It amazes me how one phone call leads to one more exam that leads to a procedure and that results in one more phone call and two words that knocked the air out of me.

Breast cancer.

Mom had it.  Grandma had it.  They were both much younger than I am when they got it, and when they died from it.

The nurse that called to give me the news was calm and cordial.  I have to admit, I didn't hear much after those two words though.  I didn't do much of anything after those two words.  I tried so hard not to cry while I was on the phone.  I wasn't very successful.  I tried not to cry as I went back to my desk to finish out my workday.  I wasn't successful then either.  I really wasn't successful when I talked to my dad.

I remember telling him it is the best worst case scenario.  That is such a weird sentence.  Best, worst case?  His voice cracked and I started to cry once again.

Telling my family was the hardest.  Everyone knows what has happened to the women in my immediate family with breast cancer.

I pretty much spent most of Tuesday crying.  The nurse who called me also sent me an email with the exact name of the kind of cancer it is with a description of it.  She also sent links for me to get more information.  I googled the name of it.  It is contained.  It is in the very beginning stages.  Surgery, radiation and hormone therapy.  Oh and genetics tests.  Surgery could be easy or complex depending on the genetics results.

I don't like this.  Not one little bit.

Wednesday I walked around in denial.  Told my best friend I wanted a few days in denial.  He said that isn't me and sure enough, I was back to looking at info that night.

Thursday I talked to my nurse again.  She gave me the run down on my marathon dr's appt coming up.  I meet with the majority of the team (surgeon, radiologist, and oncologist and of course the amazing woman, my nurse Susan) on Tuesday.  A week after getting my results.  I can't meet with genetics until Friday.

Susan coached me for writing down my questions, one page for each of the team so I make sure they all get addressed.  My precious sister-friend Rachel will be with me for the appt, making sure I get my answers and taking notes and providing me with an  endless supply of tissue.

I have to keep reminding myself that this past year God has brought me to a lot of things I feared or didn't want to face and that what He has brought me to, He has also brought me through.  He wants the stumbling block of fear out of my life and He is bringing me down those roads to show me that what I fear isn't so bad.  This is no different.  Yes, cancer can kill me but my salvation is secured thanks to Jesus's sacrifice and resurrection.

Does fear creep in?  Oh you bet it does. Do I wallow in it a bit more than I should?  Yep, I do.  But do I know where to turn when the fear starts getting crippling and I get overwhelmed.  Most assuredly.  Should I turn there sooner. Without a doubt.  This is a process.  I'm at the beginning.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.  I covet your prayers and hope you may be encouraged as I walk this out.