Seasons

Wow!!!

This season is a little more chaotic than I thought it was.

Let's see, what's going on in my world?  I got a new baseline mammogram and it had no discernible signs of cancer so I got the free and clear.  Woo hoo!!!!  That made me an incredibly happy girl.  I am still bouncing off the walls.

I am evaluating business options that fit with my life.  Yes, I am going to pursue the voice acting career path.  I ordered a new mic and filter this week that should be here next week.  Super excited.  Once I get that I will sign up with Voices.com or some similar organization so I can have visibility to more job opportunities.  I really liked the idea of just doing audio books until I saw that the vast majority of titles needing voices are in direct conflict with my values.  There are some but I don't know the books with morals and integrity market has enough work available to keep me working.  

I am looking at other things too and I look forward to sharing them with you soon.  

Debating taking my blog to Wordpress and actually blogging regularly.  So many thoughts in my head and my blog sounds like the place to take them to.  Wouldn't you agree?  

Anyways, it's late and I just wanted to say hi and I haven't forgotten about my sweet lil blog.  

More tomorrow when I am awake more.  

Sleep tight.

What great timing

Hi all.
Sorry it's been a while. I will be back more regularly now.

I have been on a couple book launch teams and trying to read the books before they come out and share the material from them can be hard work.  Doing that in addition to math homework, helping my child who struggles with reading, writing a business plan, maintain friendships and work on getting myself healthy has been a full plate.

The book I am prereading right now is Crystal Paine's newest book Money Making Mom.  You know how some people have that scarcity mindset where they want to guard their ideas and don't want to share how they got where they are because they're afraid that you're going to do better than them or take away from what they're doing?  Yeah, that's NOT Crystal.

Crystal Paine is a New York Times best selling author of Say Goodbye to Survival Mode.   I was on the launch team for that book too which is why I'm so excited to help get the word about this second book.

In Money Making Mom Crystal shares her challenges of becoming a mompreneur.  I don't think I have ever heard her refer to herself as such but she is.  She tried many things to get where she is, author, blogger, and public speaker.

Money Making Mom helps readers focus on the why of why they want to become an entrepreneur.  Are you wanting to make a lot of money fast just because?  Are you wanting to pay off debt?  Are you wanting to save for family vacation?  Or are you trying to replace your current full time income and provide more margin in your life so you can homeschool your kids or show up at their school events?  There are as many reasons why as there are people looking to work from home.

I am just starting chapter 4 so there's lots of good material to cover.  I'll be blogging about what I read.  I am really excited about this book and the title says it really well, it's great timing.  I have been bouncing a few business ideas in my head and am super excited to start putting them into action.

I highly encourage you to go to Moneymakingmombook.com where you can sign up for Crystal's free 5 day course, find out about the amazing preorder bonus and more.

#CrystalPaine #MoneyMakingMom  #bookreview #pushingplay  #dreambig

Learning

Learning is a beautiful thing.  It helps people expand their horizons and then their futures.  I love to learn and have since a young age.  By age 5 I had my very own dictionary because I wanted to write, all the time and was constantly asking my mother how to spell words.  She decided it would be better for me and I would remember them better if I had to look them up.  She would help me connect the sound to the letter and then have me look.  After a little while she would just look at me and say "Joyce Adell, you know what that starts with.  Try for a few minute then if you're still having problems I will help you."  Oh how I loved that dictionary.  I still have it to this day, 4 decades and some change later.

My mom knew that she could keep giving me the the words/spelling but until I had to look it up and apply it I wouldn't truly own it.  Now I spell incredibly well and don't need to because spell check catches almost all my mistypes without me thinking about it.

The point is if you love to learn, you have to come to the point where the rubber meets the road and you start applying what you've learned.  If you take in and take in and take in and never apply it, then you are the dead sea.  No one wants to be the dead sea.

I think the fun in learning is putting things into practice.  I am trying to do that as much as possible in this season.  I have been listening to podcasts and taking business courses and reading business books.  It's time to start implementing what I am learning.  It's time to spread my wings.  It's time to apply what I have learned in goal setting and time management to get everything done I need to get done each day.

Stay tuned. Big things are coming.  I'm dreaming big and changing my days.  Might even change yours too.

Loves!

Chaos

God is so amazingly good to me!!!


Work is chaotic and overwhelming and I am short on magic tricks to make it all better.  Yeah, I know, that doesn't sound like God is watching and moving but trust me, He is.  Work is a big part of our daily lives so when it's chaotic and just downright nuts it can really negatively impact our attitudes and that can spill into other areas of our lives and cause splash damage on other people.


Today I look at the chaos and I see God's love because in the midst of the messes, I see that He has been laying the groundwork to bring me to a place that peace and joy and contentment come from.  A place where I can bless others instead of helping to spread stress and angst. 


Today I am in a place where the chaos doesn't scare me.  It cannot overtake me.  It cannot have any negative impact on me unless I allow it to.  I have the choice.  I can keep my eyes fixed on God or I can look at circumstances.  God is bigger than my circumstances.  He knows every detail of what I face and the choices I make.  He plants seeds of hope in me. 


I am a huge podcast fan.  If you pick up my phone you will see it's loaded with podcasts from church, (mine and others) and from people I admire and respect.  Topics range from last weeks sermon to starting a business from scratch to cellulite.  The reason I share that is because the people on those podcasts are strategically placed there because they love God and He breathes into their lives so they can share.  That's who I want to learn from.  They inspire me. 


He also uses people around me to help keep me grounded.  I have some pretty incredible people in my life and they support and encourage me like I have never experienced before.  Having people in your corner that cheer you on and help you expand and fine tune your dreams can lift you far from the chaos. 


I know God has me planted where I am for a reason.  Often times I have forgotten that and let the stress of the constant chaos and turmoil smother the love He has birthed in me for other people.  I can be mean and snarky and not thoughtful of other peoples feelings or the impact my words have.  I can't change yesterday but I can change the next interaction I have, and the one after that, and the next one too. 


So, when you're in the middle of stuff that threatens your peace and contentment and tries to steal your joy, take a deep breath and raise your eyes towards God and ask Him what's up.  What does He want to birth in you or grow in you that you're not seeing because you're too close.  Ask Him to speak through you instead of letting the words you would like to use about how unfair this is or how rotten you were treated. 


I'm learning.  Every day I get to choose.  I hope I choose Jesus more and more often.

Goals

Can I just say that I am really, really excited about the direction my life is going?  I am taking steps to make the life I want to have.

My goals are ahead of me and I want nothing more than to start reaching them.  I have to remember though that I can't do it all today.  I need to take a couple steps today and tomorrow and the next day and if I take enough steps and am consistent then I will achieve the success I desire. 


I know me.  I know I dream big then either get overwhelmed by the size of my dream and end up cowering in a corner in fear of the size of it.  OR I dream big and don't see results right away so I give up on said dreams. 


I'm tired of giving up.  I'm tired of cowering in the corner. 


I deserve better.  My children deserve to learn better.  They deserve to be motivated to dream big because they see me living my dreams.  They deserve to live a life free from fear of failure.  They deserve to be encouraged to try.  If they fail, so what?  Get back up and try again.  And again.  And again.  The same applies to me.  Yes I have failed in the past.  Yes I am sure I will fail again in the future but I am done giving up and instead I am going to keep getting up and keep moving forward.  If I take 2 steps forward and get knocked back 1 every time, that's okay because I'm still making progress. 


What would you do if you thought you couldn't fail?  Or if you thought you might fail but could have a redo on?  What's holding you back from doing that thing?

Changes I want

Hi again.   Welcome back.  And if this is your first time or you've been here a hundred times before, I'm glad you're here.

I am a very ambitious person with a big vision.  Problem is I tend to bite off more than I can chew and then get overwhelmed or frustrated and upset with myself, give up and feel defeated.  That is not a fun way to live.  And I believe in Chalene Johnson's idea of having a Crazy, Ridiculous, Amazing, Fun-Filled Life  (CRAFFL).  Hope I got that right Chalene.

So right now I am going through Chalene's 30 Push challenge and today is day 3, goal setting.  Making AMAZING goals for what I want to accomplish and how I want my life to look.  In her 30 day Push she teaches you how to make those goals a reality.  Application is key.  I love that she says if you are taking info in and learning and learning but never applying...STOP!  Implement what you learn.

10 Goals sounds easy enough, right? I had the hardest time because I kept reigning myself back.  I didn't want to think too big because I didn't want to disappoint myself or worse, share them and then have people know that I failed.

I'll share a few of the 10 here...no not all 10, I'm not that brave yet.  Keep in mind that we're supposed to write them as if they're happening so here it goes.

1) I am gainfully self employed and my schedule is mine to decide.

2) My boys and I have taken 2 nice vacations.

3) I drive a completely paid for 2010 Ford Mustang.

4) I have a fully funded emergency fund.

5) I am a fit and healthy size 8.

6) I wake up smiling.

7) I am generous with my time and money, supporting local organizations that have a huge impact in line with my priorities which are sharing Jesus love and supporting families.

Yep, completing those would be crazy and amazing and I would be off the hook excited to be living that life.

I know these goals are going to take work and I'm willing to put in the work to have that kind of life.  A week from now I'm supposed to write a new list of goals without looking at today's list and as things fall off and adjust I am supposed to run with it.  This shall be interesting.

I can't wait!!!

Positivity

Can  I just tell you how excited  I am about my life?  There is so much crazy going on in it but I am so deeply and genuinely happy.  I can only say "Thank you GOD for all your goodness to me". Some people would look at my life and think there's nothing to be happy about.  A broken marriage.  Split custody of my youngest son.  Recovering from breast cancer.

But let me tell you, God has sustained me and refreshed my soul during these struggles and trials.  So much so that I can sincerely say that I am happy in my life.

In addition to sustaining me and refreshing me He has planted seeds in my heart and mind and is stirring in me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and try something new.  Doing the same thing over and over again creates a rut.  I don't want to be in a rut because eventually if you stay on that path you wear it down and it because a valley between narrow deep walls and it threatens to overwhelm you and swallow you whole.  That is not how I want to live.

As the plan becomes clearer and  I move in active obedience to God's leading I will share more.  In the meantime please know that God's grace and goodness is a precious gift He wants to share with everyone.  The creator of the world knows YOU and EVERYTHING that concerns you.  Give it over to Him and see how much lighter and freer you feel.

Praying blessings over you and your circumstances.

Much love,
Joyce

I'm BAAACCCCKKKKKKK

Oh my!  I didn't mean to start this and then disappear, leaving you hanging. 




After diagnosis and 2 biopsies, 2 surgeries, an accidental severe sunburn that put off the start of radiation by 2 weeks and then 5 weeks of radiation treatments, I have felt slightly rung out and run down.  I am used to being active, especially on beautiful days.  I have lived on my couch resting when not at work, treatment or other required living events. 


I am declaring today that I am going to regain my life and get my energy back and start celebrating that I am done with cancer. 


Time to hit my goals and to do things that make me happy.  I am going back to writing and start recording and enjoying the people that God has abundantly blessed me with.  I am not going to stand by timidly as life moves on.  I am going to live fully and do things daily that make me happy and give me joy!


I am starting to take steps daily to bring me to my goals.  They aren't going to happen until I am intentional and as that is my word for the year it is time to start moving in it.  I intentionally worked with my son to help him get to grade level work at school as that is something he struggles with.  I intentionally did everything I needed to in order to fight breast cancer.  Now I am going to get intentional about getting the life I want to live.  I want life that will make me happy to have lived when I look back at the end of my days. 


So that is what you are going to see more of on my blog.  What am I doing?  Why am I doing it?  What do I want my life to look at.  This is my accountability.  This is me being vulnerable. 


I want to be interactive.  Leave comments, good, bad and anywhere in between.  If you see me heading for a cliff, call out to me.  Let me know if you see something I don't.  Let me know if I'm encouraging you or stressing you out. 


Let's do this together and get to where we want our lives to be. 


I believe in me and I believe in you!


Loves!!!


#back #cancerfree  #startingfresh  #livingintentionally  #beingintentional 

Learning

One thing I have never been good at is asking for and accepting help.  I have been let down or judged so much that I have put on a hard outer shell and a determination to not need anyone.  If I can't do it on my own then I don't need it in my life.  I don't know when exactly this developed but it has.  It is hard to live in community and openness when you have walls protecting you from disappointment.

God has blessed me with incredible friends who want to help and want to serve me, especially in this season.  After my first surgery I was still very much in that independent, I can take care of myself mode.

This time around when friends offered to help I jumped at the opportunity.  I am just so tired the idea of planning and prepping a meal is overwhelming. Lil man and I can't live on cereal and prepped food products.  I love real food.  Fresh food.  My precious friend Joanna offered to bring me a couple meals and whatever groceries I needed.  I ran out of coffee creamer.  She brought me some.  And fresh fruits and veggies.  And that was on top of homemade chili and a rotisserie chicken.  I've never bought a rotisserie chicken and am looking forward to trying it.  She also brought me an adorable bag and a coffee mug that lists all the things cancer can't take from me.

And when Chris brought lil man back to me, he took him yesterday so I could rest, he brought me a Papa Murphy's gluten free pizza.  Yummy.

And my friend Kristen is coming over tomorrow to drop off food she's made as well.  I am so abundantly blessed.

I had prayed a long time ago for real friends to live life with, friends who breathe life into each other.  And He answered that prayer in spades.  He put me in community with a great group of women who are life givers.  Even though we have all moved to different times and stages of our lives, we stay in touch, not as much as we should but when we need each other we're there.

I am learning to accept help and to ask for it.  "Yes, please" is my favorite newest expression.  I don't need much but it's those who step in and meet the little needs that fill my heart so much.

My bestie set up a go fund me account for me to help with the medical expenses because 2 surgeries is crazy expensive and she knows thinking about being back in debt overwhelms me to the point of tears and panic attacks.  And it fills my heart that people respond.  It is truly incredible to have people step in to help me.

It seems like every direction I turn I am being invited to trust Jesus more and to trust people more.  I am so very blessed beyond my wildest dreams.  It is so weird to me that I am walking through the challenge of breast cancer but I am finding an abundance of blessing and much to smile about and I am joy filled, not always happy but I have an unshakable joy.

#Godisgood #abundantlove #breastcancersucks #Godprovides #Godlovesme

Too Fast

Today was one of those days where my head is just spinning and I don't know what to think or do.

Today I got the call from the geneticist with the results.  I'm negative for the BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 gene which is a marker for the more invasive types of breast cancer.  Negative is VERY VERY good. This made my great mood even better.

Today was also the day I got to meet with my surgeon for post op.  As I was getting ready to check in my phone ring and I stopped to answer it.  I recognized the  number as one of the Kaiser facilities.  Is it a bad thing when you can look at the area code and prefix of the number calling and know it's a dr's office?  Anyways, the wonderful lady on the other end of the line says she wants to talk to me about my pre check-in for tomorrows procedure.  I say, you mean for my son, he's got an appt tomorrow with dermatology.  She says, "No. You're procedure with Dr Khaw."  I explained that my appt with Dr Khaw was today and I was just walking in so I would discuss it with her momentarily.

I get checked in and called back and the nurse and I are talking and she asks how I'm doing and I told her about the phone call and she says "Oh yeah, you weren't supposed to find out yet."

The dr comes in and is all flustered because she and I hadn't had a chance to talk and I was already getting contacted.  She had a surgical cancellation tomorrow and she booked me just in case.  She explained the margin taken out the first time and what they like to have as margin and why.  Yes please take a little more out and definitely recut the same place before it heals any further.

It didn't really hit me until about an hour after I got home and then it was like I got hit with a ton of bricks.  It's tomorrow and I haven't had time to make anything ahead or clean the house.  Laundry needs doing. Etc.

Ugh.

Thank God that He is in control and He will take care of me.

Spiraling emotions

The way I'm up in my head you would think I got a full mastectomy instead of just having a lump removed.  

I feel like part of me is missing and I am less because of it.  

I already had issues feeling like I measured up but now it's more.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's making me very emotional and questioning things.  

Is this normal?  Ugh!  

Emotional

Well, here it is 2 days post surgery.  I am very very emotional and can't put words to it.  This frustrates me.  

I'm laying on my bed with tears streaming down my face but I can't say why exactly.

I don't like this at all.  Pfft.

Remembering to be thankful

Today has been a struggle for me, so this is going to sound like a lot of whining.  If it does, go ahead and skip to the end.  I completely understand.  Much of this is for me to process and to share with those who want to ride along in my head.

I woke up emotional and had just been tied up in knots all day.  "What if's" and "to do lists" and "how do I" and "who will" thoughts plagued at me.  They buzzed in from all sides like a swarm of knats around a sweet peach ripening on the counter.

I started my day by finding a big (well it feels big to me) lump just under my incision from the biopsy.  Okay, call my nurse navigator to see who to talk to about that.  Last thing I need is an infection to delay surgery.  She and I finally talk after a couple failed attempts.  She gets me to the surgical advice nurse who decides I need to be seen by the back up surgeon as mine was out today. So we get that all set up for about 2 hrs after my genetics appt.

Work was a mess.  No one wanted to show up for their scheduled appts so we were sitting around waiting.  We had them all scheduled nice and neat and if everyone would have played nice people could have gone home early and enjoyed the nice day.  Or if they would have scheduled when they actually got there then the guys would have been able to come in later and sleep in.  It's no fun sitting around looking for something to do.

 The wonderful thing was it was a nice day.  I got to my genetics appt with time to spare (which if you know me, is a real struggle, but I am really really trying to do better and be more respectful of other peoples time) which was a good thing because my instructions didn't have where on campus they were located and I went to the main building and it was across the street in another building.  I walked over there, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and pretty blue skies and still arrived with plenty of time to spare.

They got me in early and they were all so nice.  We decided based on family history to proceed with genetic testing.  The only question was which genetic testing?  BRCA-1 and BRCA-2?  That plus 5 others or the whole gamut of 17 panels, many of which are still open for interpretation so can cause more stress than answers.  I don't really need to know if I have a goofy gene that may or may not cause problems in obscure areas of my body.  We already know I'm goofy and probably have genes to match so why stress over obscure stuff that is not very interpretable yet.  So I chose the first option.

From there I went to go in the direction I needed to be for my next appt and while driving over they call to tell me the dr is stuck in surgery so I will need to wait an hour from the initial appt.  Okay.  I find a mall (this is another one of those uncharacteristic things as I don't like the mall) and they have a craft store (I do like craft stores) and a Powell's Bookstore ( And I love bookstores!).  I walked around enough I accidentally wore myself out.

I had seen a cute little Hawaiian restaurant on my way in so I back tracked and had a dose of comfort food.  Best mac salad.  Oh YUM!!!  That right there made the trip across the world (well across town) worthwhile.

I got to the hospital and was early so I fell asleep in the car.  Boy did I need that!!  Nice little restfulness in the middle of the day.  I did wake up enough during the 20 minutes to realize I was sleeping in the car with the windows open and my purse open on the passenger seat.  I rolled up the windows and went back to dream land.  I didn't know how badly I needed that rest but when I woke up I was upbeat and refreshed again.

I got to my appt with the surgeon a few minutes early only to have them come out and tell me he was running late and it would be another 30 minutes or so.  The nurse didn't like it when I mentioned it would have been nice to know before my appt so I could have continued napping.  Yes, I think I had reached my patience level.  I wasn't rude just said it would have been nice.

All is good though.  The surgeon saw me and it is not an infection which is what I had been afraid of but instead a blood clot.  It should dissolve and be gone in a few weeks.

The surgery scheduler came in and gave me a big hug because she once again had to change my appt from Tuesday back to the original time on Thursday.  She was so apologetic.  She understands that the back and forth is a stressor and she felt so badly.

I have had the time to reflect on my day, as you can see with the long rambling, and I know that God is good.  He is faithful.   He is in control.  And best of all, He has surrounded me with some pretty amazing people who love me and want to be His hands extended to me.  That is not something I'm used to.  I am not used to receiving.  I don't do it well.  But I am learning.  I am learning a lot through this process and it has only been a couple weeks.  I can't imagine all the learning I have yet to come.

Sometimes it is overwhelming.  Sometimes I want to pity party.  Sometimes I want to scream.  But in those times I remember I am held.  I am loved.  I am protected.  I have nothing to fear.  My God is so good to me and I am thankful.

Randomocity

Hello lovely ones.


Today my brain is just bouncing from one thing to another.  I'm having a hard time tethering it to one place and letting it work there before bouncing to the next thing.  That makes productivity at the office something of a challenge.


I have 7 days until surgery so  I am trying to be my typical detailed task driven self, well, not how I am in my after hours life but in my work life.  I want order and productivity and things marked off my to do list.  I want to make sure that while I'm out no one has to get bogged down doing my job.  I want perfection.  I know things will change and shift while I'm out just like they do when I'm here but I want to have everything ordered so that when things shift and changes need to be made, no one has to recreate the wheel to make it happen.


But while I sit here at my desk (It's my lunch time as I share my rambled brain) all I can think about is all the stuff I need to do at home.  My want list.  My how do I take care of that list.  And the really fun, can I take on that project and get it done before it's time for surgery and recovery and not being able to do the big tasks.  Then there is the thought of chores and finances and paperwork and organizing the house and how best to get rid of the clothes I took out of my closet?  Sigh.  I overwhelm myself sometimes. 


This is how my brain works.  It's a scary place to people who aren't comfortable with a lot of randomocity and chaos.  I like making order of chaos but when I can't focus long enough to work through it I become overwhelmed. 


I want control and I don't have control of this.  So that contributes to my sense of being overwhelmed.  I have to completely trust and rely on God to take me through this.  I know He is good and He loves me and has good plans for me.  In my head I have no doubts.  In my head I know these truths to be completely true and that God is trustworthy beyond any shadow of doubt.  In my heart I think, what can I do?  What can I control in this equation? 


So I toil and struggle with trying to control my surroundings. 


Well maybe now that I have shared some of the weirdness from my brain , maybe now I can focus on the little bit I can control for this moment and worry about other things later. 


Enjoy the day.  Be kind and loving even in the face of rudeness because you never know who needs your smile and kind word.


Loves!

Ugh!

Ever have those days where it takes everything in you to keep a smile on your face and play nicely with others?  Yeah, I'm having one of those.  I am tired and cranky and my claws are wanting to come out a little more easily than normal.

I don't like days like this.  I like being able to smile easily and laugh joyfully.  Today is a fake it til you feel it day.  I'm still not feeling it.

Sorry this isn't all positive and upbeat but I am feeling more beat up (emotionally and physically) than anything.  I think the pain has gotten to me from yesterday's biopsy.  The other one didn't hurt this badly or widespread.  Maybe because they took more samples or went in deeper, not sure but yeah it hurts a lot today.  I feel extra stupid that I didn't stay ahead of the pain with Tylenol.  Grrrrr.

Anyways, I talked to my boss and my office backup and my HR director and they are all incredibly supportive.  The general consensus is that I am probably planning on too little time off after surgery.  I am hoping to have surgery Thursday and be back to work on Monday.  I don't have a physical job.
What are your thoughts?  Am I being a bit overzealous?

Well, I'm really tired today so I am going to keep this short and sign out.

Have a blessed rest of your day.

Hugs!

Breathing Made Easier

Today I met with my care team and let me just say, THEY ARE AMAZING!  I am so blessed to have had my bestest friend by my side, taking notes, making sure all my questions had answers.  And then my care nurse, Susan, is so sweet and caring and fun and so very on top of things.  She made sure I had everything I needed all day.

I met with Susan, and the surgeon and the radiologist and the oncologist.  I had another biopsy of a second region where there are some calcifications.  I scheduled surgery.  We are hoping and praying it is just a lumpectomy but will call it by ear after we have the pathology report on today's biopsy.

I have a plan and am feeling very positive.

As those closest to my know, I am very worried about piling up a huge debt as I worked very hard to pay off everything and live debt free.  They are looking for the best resources and options for me and putting a plan in place to help lessen that worry.

I can live with the results of today's meeting.  I am encouraged.

I can't begin to tell you how much better I feel having a plan in place and details of what has invaded my body.  It is stage 0 so this is good.  It is contained.  Very good.  Slow growing.  Even better.

Lots of appointments and information still to come but I am confident and comfortable that this is a very temporary road and I will be free of it in a very short time.

Once this is done, then I can turn this into the fun blog I started it with the thoughts of it being.

Talk to ya soon!

Just Breathe and Remember God's Got This

Today I started compiling the lists of questions for each of the specialists and a list of general questions I don't know who to ask.

All I can think of is all those I have loved dearly and watched suffer with horrible sores and burn marks from treatments.  I start to get scared.  Will I have to wear scarves and hats to cover disfigurations?

I know to many people this seems petty and vain.  I admit I can be.  I like taking care of my appearance.  Yes, there are some areas I need to do a lot better about taking care of but I am finally after a good number of years comfortable in my own skin and sometimes even feel pretty.

My wonderful cousin called me today.  I had put a message out to my cousins to help me come up with a family medical history to give to the genetics team.  She had lunch with her mom and said I needed comprehensive list.  Auntie had it.  The list is long and not pretty.  So many with cancer.  It's not fair to have so many cases in one family.

I just want answers.  I want to know the plan.  I want to have a start date and an end date.  I want a little bit of control.

Right now I have uncertainty and a little bit of fear of the unknown.  I don't like the unknown.  I don't like not having a say about what's happening in my body.  I eat right, I feel good.  I exercise I feel good.  I smile more.  I'm in a better mood. On the other hand, if I sit on the couch and watch tv and eat junk food I don't feel well and have bad skin and hair and am a grump and feel badly about how I've spent my time and the way I feel inside and out.  

I know what the final outcome will be.  I will be cancer free.  It's just the road to get that that is causing me to worry and stress and fear and I don't like that.

My God is bigger and stronger than cancer.  I have lessons to learn through this and so do other who are walking with me.  God is going to show up and show off and I can't wait to see how He uses this for His good.  I know He will.

I just need to keep breathing and looking up to the One who holds my life and knows the number of my days and the hairs on my head.

Sudden Change of Plans

Hi. I'm Joyce.

This past week my life took a major detour and so that is what I am going to write about.  It will be pretty much the subject of most all my blog posts for the foreseeable future.

You see my worst nightmare became reality this week.  It amazes me how one phone call leads to one more exam that leads to a procedure and that results in one more phone call and two words that knocked the air out of me.

Breast cancer.

Mom had it.  Grandma had it.  They were both much younger than I am when they got it, and when they died from it.

The nurse that called to give me the news was calm and cordial.  I have to admit, I didn't hear much after those two words though.  I didn't do much of anything after those two words.  I tried so hard not to cry while I was on the phone.  I wasn't very successful.  I tried not to cry as I went back to my desk to finish out my workday.  I wasn't successful then either.  I really wasn't successful when I talked to my dad.

I remember telling him it is the best worst case scenario.  That is such a weird sentence.  Best, worst case?  His voice cracked and I started to cry once again.

Telling my family was the hardest.  Everyone knows what has happened to the women in my immediate family with breast cancer.

I pretty much spent most of Tuesday crying.  The nurse who called me also sent me an email with the exact name of the kind of cancer it is with a description of it.  She also sent links for me to get more information.  I googled the name of it.  It is contained.  It is in the very beginning stages.  Surgery, radiation and hormone therapy.  Oh and genetics tests.  Surgery could be easy or complex depending on the genetics results.

I don't like this.  Not one little bit.

Wednesday I walked around in denial.  Told my best friend I wanted a few days in denial.  He said that isn't me and sure enough, I was back to looking at info that night.

Thursday I talked to my nurse again.  She gave me the run down on my marathon dr's appt coming up.  I meet with the majority of the team (surgeon, radiologist, and oncologist and of course the amazing woman, my nurse Susan) on Tuesday.  A week after getting my results.  I can't meet with genetics until Friday.

Susan coached me for writing down my questions, one page for each of the team so I make sure they all get addressed.  My precious sister-friend Rachel will be with me for the appt, making sure I get my answers and taking notes and providing me with an  endless supply of tissue.

I have to keep reminding myself that this past year God has brought me to a lot of things I feared or didn't want to face and that what He has brought me to, He has also brought me through.  He wants the stumbling block of fear out of my life and He is bringing me down those roads to show me that what I fear isn't so bad.  This is no different.  Yes, cancer can kill me but my salvation is secured thanks to Jesus's sacrifice and resurrection.

Does fear creep in?  Oh you bet it does. Do I wallow in it a bit more than I should?  Yep, I do.  But do I know where to turn when the fear starts getting crippling and I get overwhelmed.  Most assuredly.  Should I turn there sooner. Without a doubt.  This is a process.  I'm at the beginning.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.  I covet your prayers and hope you may be encouraged as I walk this out.