Just Breathe and Remember God's Got This

Today I started compiling the lists of questions for each of the specialists and a list of general questions I don't know who to ask.

All I can think of is all those I have loved dearly and watched suffer with horrible sores and burn marks from treatments.  I start to get scared.  Will I have to wear scarves and hats to cover disfigurations?

I know to many people this seems petty and vain.  I admit I can be.  I like taking care of my appearance.  Yes, there are some areas I need to do a lot better about taking care of but I am finally after a good number of years comfortable in my own skin and sometimes even feel pretty.

My wonderful cousin called me today.  I had put a message out to my cousins to help me come up with a family medical history to give to the genetics team.  She had lunch with her mom and said I needed comprehensive list.  Auntie had it.  The list is long and not pretty.  So many with cancer.  It's not fair to have so many cases in one family.

I just want answers.  I want to know the plan.  I want to have a start date and an end date.  I want a little bit of control.

Right now I have uncertainty and a little bit of fear of the unknown.  I don't like the unknown.  I don't like not having a say about what's happening in my body.  I eat right, I feel good.  I exercise I feel good.  I smile more.  I'm in a better mood. On the other hand, if I sit on the couch and watch tv and eat junk food I don't feel well and have bad skin and hair and am a grump and feel badly about how I've spent my time and the way I feel inside and out.  

I know what the final outcome will be.  I will be cancer free.  It's just the road to get that that is causing me to worry and stress and fear and I don't like that.

My God is bigger and stronger than cancer.  I have lessons to learn through this and so do other who are walking with me.  God is going to show up and show off and I can't wait to see how He uses this for His good.  I know He will.

I just need to keep breathing and looking up to the One who holds my life and knows the number of my days and the hairs on my head.